Queer Love

Though we are not considered mainstream by the mainstream, we ultimately live in the
world that they’ve created, and a large piece of that world is predicated on romance. Just
go to lunch with a couple of twenty-something straight women and you’ll know what I
mean; it’s a perpetual pajama party for grownups: “He’s cute, but he has to do something
about his teeth”, “I want a guy who at least makes enough for me to stay home,” resounds
the conversation between bites of salad and flat breads. Even their edibles are aimed at
finding romance.
Of course, as gays and lesbians we had few role models on which to construct our
romantic personas. Dad never came into our bedrooms, slapped us on the back and
chided us about the way we stare at Billy’s ass during softball practice. Nor did he give us
advice on how to get to second base with Billy. Mama never taught us how to be
beguiling, nor did she tell us the best way to a man’s stomach – or any other part of a
man for that matter. We were on our own and had to make due with what we had. Perhaps
this is a good thing, with a divorce rate among heterosexuals of over fifty percent, there
seems little there worth imitating. But still, for the most part gays and lesbians want to be
in love; and though we are often not afforded the open proclamation that the straight
community can have, we want at least some parallel of the romantic notions with which we
were raised.

The Bar/Club Scene:
For as much as we complain about “the scene”, it is still
the primary place where gays and lesbians seek out
romance; a fact that probably explains the high
incidence of alcoholism in the GLBT community.
How the Bar/Club scene works for you depends much on
your age: from 21 – 30 you’re a piece of chicken; from
30 – 50 you’re a chicken hawk, over 50 you become a
sort of ranch hand, just overseeing the farm making
sure it hasn’t burned down.
If you’re bent on looking for love in the bars, here’s
some quick advice: If you’re chicken, wear clean
underwear; Chicken hawk, bring plenty of money; Ranch
hand, bring some friends and catch up, often that will be
the best part of your evening.
Living in Brooklyn, New York, we are blessed with a
plethora of options when we get the urge to go looking
for Mr. Goodbar. Besides being a short subway ride
away from gay ole New York, Brooklyn has its own
bourgeoning bar scene. You no longer have to live
around the Park Slope area to have a neighborhood
bar, from Bay Ridge to Sheepshead Bay, gay bars, or at
least straight bars with “gay nights”, are becoming
commonplace. For the more hedonistic among us, there
are even private sex parties popping up in Brooklyn
following the success of Meat Packers Ball; but wait, this
is about finding love. Say what you will about the bars,
be as anti-scene as you want, but they are a quick
answer with little time investment needed. Be sure to tip
your bartender well, he may be the one that
introduces you to you next great love.

Personal Ads
It wasn’t long ago that personal ads were the
exclusive stomping grounds of the truly
desperate, or married men looking for some
diversion, but that was pre-cyberspace.
Personal ads are now valid tools for finding
romance, and work well in this age of instant
information. With ten guys on a page and a “next
page” button you can click when none
of them do it for you, it makes that old meat market
seem romantic. You are however,
often presented with photographs from the nineties,
or that have been dragged through
Photoshop a couple of times. Do peruse the
personals with prudence, besides the outdated
photos, these anti-Dorian Grays tend to inflate their
careers and deflate their ages. So use
good judgment, if he say’s twenty-nine and in his
picture has big eighties hair, move on.
That being said, you can’t beat the personals for
convenience and speed. Where else can
you interview that many guys, have them volunteer
their salary, and tell you if they’re a
top or a bottom – all without even having to sport
for a drink? If only people in bars came
with a “next” button. Personals do work, and in
more ways then you may think. While
some have met Mr. Or Ms. Right, just as many have
made great friendships that add to
their network. Networking is perhaps the most
overlooked aspect of personal ads, or of
dating in general. You didn’t fall for him, but you
may end up marrying his best friend.
Chat Rooms:
The very mention of chat rooms conjures up
images of flabby old men sitting around in
their boxers chatting up nineteen-year-old girls for
a date. In the gay world, it may, or may
not be that different, though we do tend to be less
flabby than our straight brethren. Here
again, a picture is worth few words. Even those not
necessarily trying to turn back the
hands of time can be innocently duplicitous. It just
makes sense; you are going to use the
best picture taken of you, ever, at anytime. I have a
friend who is one of the sweetest little
queens you’ll ever meet, yet in his chat room profile
picture he looks like type who’d beat
the shit out of you and then screw your sister.
Interestingly enough, he gets a lot of emails
– but that’s another story.
When looking for love in a chat room, unfortunately,
you would do best to stay out of the
local rooms. Even if the men are more
geographically correct, there is a reason they are in
rooms that attract a local crowd: hookups. Instead,
look for rooms where you would
share a common interest with those in the room.
Most major chat hosts feature rooms of
nearly every interest you can think of, and if they
don’t, you can create your own room.
Gay.com specifically features a Love & Romance
room that is big on chat and light on
hooking up. Of course there is no guarantee that
the great guy your met last night lives
within even a hundred miles of you – but hey, love
will find a way.
A couple of thoughts on chat rooms: you must,
repeat must, put a picture in your profile.
Though you may be quite fetching, those without a
picture are considered to be hiding
something, and rarely will anyone take the time to
chat with you. Even a driver’s license
picture is better than nothing. Oh, and if you are
the hunter type and initiate conversations,
never start a chat with “Sup?” It sounds as if you
are bored and simply passing time while
waiting for your EBT card to be refilled.

Speed Dating & Date Bait
Though formatted differently, the concept of these two
options is very similar: you get a quick peek into someone’s
persona, then just as quickly decide if you would like to go
out on a date with them. The former uses a format not unlike
a game of Red Rover, Red Rover, the latter is similar to
playing lotto, after telling the crowd a little about yourself like
a game show contestant, everyone fills out a lotto-like card
shading in assigned numbers, if they match up, you date.
They have, over the personal ads, the fact that you get a
real time impression of your prospective date; the downside
is that you are getting little more than an idea of if you are
sexually attracted to them, and what T.V. shows they like,
which of course, is at least a start.
Again, both of these options are great for convenience, and
you may walk away with several phone numbers. They beat
the bar scene in that what could take hours to discover about
a person in a strained conversation, is usually revealed in
their five minute introduction, and if you don’t like what your
hearing there are no hard feelings. The fees are usually
less than a night out at a New York City club, and if you really
want to increase your chances, pencil in everybody. You
don’t have to marry or sleep with them, remember –
networking.
Going It Alone:
So you’re not a joiner, you’d rather nestle on the couch and
watch Bareback Mountain once again, but there are still a
lot of things you can do to increase you odds of finding Mr.
Right. Our close proximity to Manhattan affords us a
multitude of bookstores, antique shops, art galleries and all
kinds of gay-patronized places where your future husband
may pick up your dropped hankie. Focus groups and
specialized meetings abound in Manhattan, the best clearing
house for this information is, of course, the LGBT center.
You can find them on the web at http://www.gaycenter.org/.
Remember, we are a horse of a different color, rainbow, to
be exact, and the sage advice handed down from generation
to generation regarding love do not always apply to our
unique situations. Clichés of “When you least expect it…”
rarely apply to gay love, unless you live in a gay mecca. If
you accept that we are approximately ten percent of the
population, then the odds of meeting like-minded men are
going to be much slimmer. You gotta work it.You’ll probably
not find him food shopping on Saturday morning, so don’t
waste your time in the produce aisle doing suggestive things
to a zucchini, it doesn’t work. Trust me. - JH

"I dreamed of an elegant
wedding, with a lovely little
church
Filled with family and friends.
I asked him what kind of
wedding he dreamed of, and
he said, 'One that will make
you my wife'" - Alfred, Lord
Tennyson

Hate leaves ugly scars, love
leaves beautiful ones.
- Mignon McLaughlin

Conversation between the
rabbit and the skin rocking
horse in the nursery: "Real
isn't how you are made," said
the Skin Horse. "It's a thing
that happens to you. When a
child loves you for a long,
long time, not just to play
with, but REALLY loves you,
then you become real."
"Does it hurt?" asked the
Rabbit. "Sometimes," said
the Skin Horse, for he was
always truthful. "When you
are Real you don't mind
being hurt." "Does it happen
all at once, like being wound
up," He asked, "or bit by bit?"
It doesn't happen all at once
said the Skin Horse, "You
become. It takes a long time.
That's why it doesn't happen
to people who break easily,
or have sharp edges, or who
have been carefully kept.
Generally, by the time you are
Real, most of your hair has
been loved off, and your eyes
drop out and you get loose in
the joints and very shabby.
But these things don't matter
at all, because once you are
Real you can't be ugly, except
to people who don't
understand" - The Velveteen
Rabbit by Marjorie Williams

"One word frees us from all
the weight and pain in life.
That word is love."
- Sophocles
True love does not come by
finding th perfect person, but
by learning to see an
imperfect person perfectly."
- Jason Jordan

Love is patient, Love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not
boast, it is not proud.
Love is not rude, it is not
self-seeking.
It is not easily angered, it
keeps no records of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil,
but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always
trusts,always hopes, always
preserves. Love never fails.
The Bible - Corinthians
13: 4-8

And for the cynics:

Love is the word used to
label the sexual excitement of
the young, the habituation of
the middle-aged,and the
mutual dependency of the
old. - John Ciardi

Chat Rooms, Personal Ads, Date Bait, Speed Dating, Roller Blading, Backrooms, Bar Rooms, Gay Cruises,
Bi-dads, Book Clubs, Bridge Clubs, Bingo! We’re a world obsessed with romance; we live to love – and then to
love again. We are often men with the hearts of a pubescent girl, just waiting to twist our feet like Little Bo Peep
as Tom Tom kisses her - locked in the stockades. We wallow, and we rise to a soundtrack of pop divas’
singing, “he loves me - he loves me nots”. We watch old romantic comedies and joyfully take note as Doris
Day dons cowboy boots and still comes away with a hot hillbilly husband. It doesn’t work that way in real life.
Did you ever see gay men in cowboy boots? We are not Doris, looking adorable with her little blonde hairdo
and perky breasts; we are refugees from The Village People drunk at a piano bar singing, “Once I Had a Secret
Love”. Oh, the damage Hollywood wrecks on our romantic psyches.