It' Not In Our Jeans - It's In Our Genes

Do you find yourself constantly jerking off your oversized penis with your left
hand? Does it take an inordinate amount of gel to manage your mullet? Does
a K-turn take you more than three maneuvers? If you’ve answered yes to
one or all of these questions, you may be a homosexual. This could well be
our new recruiting brochure, at least according to recent scientific research
studying the link between homosexuality and biology.
     The scientific community is just now coming to the same conclusion that
German Sexologist Magnus Hirschfeld came to some hundred years ago: we
are a third gender, existing on the spectrum somewhere between football
players and fem-fatales. This, of course, comes as no surprise to anyone
who has spent an evening in a Chelsea where stud muffin bartenders can
shape shift into Cyndi Lauper in the time it takes to pour a drink. But you
know academia and their love of the scientific method – if you don’t spend a
lot of time or money on it, it’s worth nothing. They have come up with some
pretty interesting biological markers however, useful for both proving that
homosexuality is neither a choice nor rooted in psychology, and for amusing
party chitchat.
     Researchers have discovered some fascinating bio-facts such as how
our brains process sound very much in the way a woman’s brain does,
perhaps consequently, the timbre of our voices also correlate more to
women’s than that of our heterosexual counterparts. The part of the brain’s
hypothalamus believed to be responsible for emotions as well as the sex
drive, is more similar to a woman’s than that of a heterosexual man’s. This
similarity to women’s brains is also apparent in the part of the brain used for
spatial reasoning.
     Less brainy, and more useful when trying to figure out if the new employ
is one of us are markers such as the, by now well known, proportional size of
our pointer fingers; while ours tend to be proportioned like a woman’s (close
in length to our ring fingers) a straight man’s pointer finger is noticeably
shorter than his ring finger. The thumbprint on our left hand is often denser,
and on the same hand, we are also 50% more likely to be left-handed than
our straight brothers.
     The percentage of gay men with a counter-clockwise hair whorl (the
circular hair pattern on the crown of the head) is also higher than
heterosexual men. There is one other finding, oh yes - our penises are
bigger. Score one for our side! With that in mind, why waste time checking
out a guys hair pattern or pointer fingers to find out if you stand a chance,
just follow his ass to the men’s room and give a peek – if it touches the
porcelain – you’ve got a chance.
     Interestingly, the majority of these markers are not the consequence of
genes but of hormonal interactions in utero; while there is still research being
done to locate a “Gay” gene, the prevailing belief is that it is these hormonal
interactions taking place in the womb that bring about homosexuality. Studies
also show that the more fetuses that have occupied a womb, the more these
hormonal events will take place, i.e. the second son will have a 33% more
chance of being homosexual, and the third son a 33% higher chance than
the second. Those who still claim psychological underpinnings to
homosexuality (see Religious fanatics and Republicans) will be dismayed to
know that studies done on male siblings separated at birth, still prove out
these numbers of homosexual incidence. So it is not just about being mama’s
little boy.
     While it is advantageous to the cause to have the scientific community
finally in line with what we’ve been telling them all along – that homosexuality
is not a choice, many activists warn of a dark side to this science. Once
homosexuality is unequivocally defined as a biological consequence, and we
fully understand that biology and can locate homosexual markers in the
womb - can eugenics be far behind?
     Far from a conspiracy theory, one has only to watch a political debate or
a few minutes of televangelism to know that we are America’s last permissible
prejudice. Hate crimes against gays and lesbians have risen in the last
several years; the politicians who seek our votes will only feebly defend our
rights as to not piss off the homophobic majority. Even our straight friends
realize that a Queer life is not an easy one, and would scarcely want that for
their child. Would our heterosexual friends consider aborting a fetus they
were certain would grow up to be gay, is probably a question better left
unasked for the sake of friendship.
     Like the science of cloning, all this scientific headway is a phenomenal
development, but the road that it is allowed to travel must be carefully
monitored. But of course there is the upside: we have bigger penises.
‘Nuff said.